Good evening, ladies and germs. Did you know that mysophobia is the fear of germs? Did you know that gynephobia is the fear of ladies? Did you know that lutraphobia is the fear of otters? I didn't think so. Nevertheless, I've designed the following pop quiz to test your knowledge ' i.e., prove your ignorance ' of actual phobias that afflict actual phobics. So, unless you suffer from testophobia, a lack of testes when it comes to taking tests, begin when I say begin. Begin.
1) Aeronausiphobia is the fear of: a) flying on an airplane b) feeling nauseous, c) feeling nauseous as a result of flying on an airplane, d) hurling chunks as a result of flying on an airplane.
2) Amnesiphobia is the fear of: a) developing amnesia, b) forgetting that one has developed amnesia, c) suddenly remembering that one has forgotten that one has amnesia, d) I forget.
3) Arachibutyrophobia is the fear of: a) spiders, b) peanut butter, c) having peanut butter stuck to the roof of your mouth, d) having spiders stuck in the peanut butter stuck to the roof of your mouth.
4) Cherophobia is the fear of: a) Cher, b) enjoying Cher, c) enjoying things in general, d) thinking Sonny was the one with all the talent.
5) Chiraptophobia is the fear of: a) being touched, b) being touched and enjoying it, c) being touched by a chiropractor and enjoying it, d) being touched by a chiropractor and, though not really enjoying it, thinking it may nevertheless have helped realign one's pelvis.
6) Europtophobia is the fear of: a) Europeans, b) European women, c) women's genitalia, d) European women's genitalia.
7) Gymnophobia is the fear of: a) going to the gym, b) seeing nude people in the locker room at the gym, c) taking pictures with your cell phone of nude people in the locker room at the gym, d) nude people.
8) Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia is the fear of: a) someone putting a really bad hex on you, b) the number 666, c) someone forcing you to write 'hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia' on the blackboard 666 times, d) Cher.
9) Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the fear of: a) monstrous hippopatami equipped with alios, b) words so long even a monstrous hippopotamus equipped with alios couldn't spell them, c) long words, d) hip-replacement surgery.
10) Ithyphallophobia is the fear of: a) thy phallus, b) thy phallus getting all ithy, c) thy phallus not getting ithy enough, d) boners.
11) Metrophobia is the fear of: a) urban areas, b) taking the bus, c) poems about taking the bus in urban areas, d) poems.
12) Panophobia is the fear of: a) Peter Pan, b) pots and pans, c) getting panned by a critic, d) all of the above.
13) Triskadekaphobia is the fear of: a) the number 13, b) uh, let's move on to Question 14, shall we?
14) Zemmiphobia is the fear of: a) the letter 'z', b) the great mole rat, c) less impressive mole rats, d) reaching the end, which we have just done. Rats.
To fear fear itself, write to: MR. RIGHT, ISTHMUS, 101 KING ST., MADISON, WI 53703. OR CALL 251-1206, EXT. 152. OR E-MAIL MRRIGHT@ISTHMUS.COM.
1) d, 2) a, 3) c, 4) c, 5) a, 6) c, 7) d, 8) b, 9) c, 10) d, 11) d, 12) d, 13) a, 14) b