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Thursday, July 24, 2014 |  Madison, WI: 78.0° F  Mostly Cloudy


Friends of the Bob & Tom Show kills some brain cells at the Orpheum

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The Orpheum was a mecca for travelers from the far corners of Wisconsin on Feb. 24 as Madison became encrusted in sparkling precipitation.

"The Friends of the Bob and Tom Show" featured sets by Sean Morey, Tim Wilson, Greg Hahn, Mike Armstrong and Donnie Baker & the Pork Pistols, who all did variations of the same jokes regarding the following themes: imbibing and inhaling intoxicants of legal and illegal nature; coitus with dark-skinned females; and aversion to femininity, including betrothals to, cunnilingus on, and trepidation of domestic duties done by womankind. Lynyrd Skynyrd songs and tunes about the sexual preference of Jeff Gordon were also showcased.

Greg Hahn's set was awfully thought-provoking. His perpetual cry of "AhalallalalHEY! Wooobop!" really said heaps about modern man. It was even more sophisticated when he drenched himself with an alcoholic beverage.

Donnie Baker & the Pork Pistols served a real sensory feast for the ladies. Baker, clad in MC Hammer pants and a baseball cap that covered his mullet, cooed with a Southern accent and nasal timbre that could have bent spoons better than Uri Geller. He likened a woman's yoni to a fortune cookie and referred to male genitalia as a "pork sword."

The words "asshole," "fucking," "yeah!" and the phrases "marriage sucks" and "LA/NYC sucks" were repeated in various tones and decibel levels, both with and without amateur musical accompaniment.

The poor host, Kristi Lee, received barely a chuckle. Her persistent talk about blowing and jobs was redundant. Someone should buy her a thesaurus.

As I peered through the capped heads of inebriated college boys and the frosted, short haircuts of fragrant Midwestern women, I could feel my IQ melt off me like the snowflakes stuck in the crevices of my jacket. Somewhere on the sticky floor, a portion of my intelligence is pooled, along with a fraction of my will to live.

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