The Week in Review is back with this special fessin' up edition.
Let's start with my doping problem. As you know I won two consecutive mayoral elections, but I didn't do it without a little help from my pharmacists. For most of those campaigns, I was jazzed on caffeine and goofed on Dayquil Plus. I knew every barista at every Starbucks in town. My constant colds were covered up with bottles of over-marketed cough syrup.
I want you to know that I ran the 2011 race clean, but of course I lost.Let's keep going. My lovely wife Dianne? Never existed. Total fabrication of my campaign managers. The second "n" in Dianne was a nice touch of authentication, they thought. Now, in my defense, I never claimed that she had died, but still I feel pretty bad about the whole thing. All those nice gifts and cards people sent her when she retired? I'll get them back to you, I swear.
And finally, I gave a lot of speeches. Yep. Most were lip-synched. If you look closely Alder Tim Bruer is never drinking a glass of water when I'm talking.
I feel so much better now that this is all behind me. I had hoped to tell it all to Oprah in a tearful three-part interview but her producers never returned my calls. Go figure.
Anyway, have a nice weekend.