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Saturday, August 23, 2014 |  Madison, WI: 75.0° F  Fog/Mist
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Citizen Dave: The Week in Review... Mitt wins, Rick gets sick, and Dino does no wrong
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Credit:ABC News

Mitt Romney reclaimed the front-runner's mantle this week in the exciting race for the GOP nomination. He scorched Rick Santorum in Arizona, but narrowly won in the state where they know him best, Michigan.

Out of his head with delirious excitement Romney screamed, "We won by enough!"

Boy, does this guy know how to fire up a crowd or what? His handlers were so taken by the new, dynamic Romney that they worked up more catchy lines for the victories to come. Things like:

  • "We sure didn't lose tonight, did we?!"
  • "We did okay, kind of!"
  • "Change your oil every 3,000 miles!"

But Rick Santorum continues to surprise, including making surprising statements like the one about John F. Kennedy's speech on separation of church and state making him "want to throw up."

It was reported that Santorum also gets hives when he hears the Gettysburg Address and a really bad rash when someone makes him listen to MLK's "I Have a Dream" speech.

Turning now to urine samples, Dino Laurenzi Jr. stepped forward to defend his honor as a skilled handler of little cups. Dino is the guy from Kenosha who took Ryan Braun's sample, but then says he couldn't find a FedEx drop box within 50 miles that had a pick-up that day. So he followed protocol and stuck it in his basement over the weekend.

This raises questions. First, he couldn't find an open FedEx office within 50 miles of Miller Park? Really? Did he try? Is Miller Park in the Yukon?

Second, he followed protocol by storing the sample in his basement? This is protocol? There's a protocol that says if you can't find a FedEx office stick the urine sample in your basement over the weekend? What if you have people over? After a few cocktails are you allowed to say, "You won't believe whose piss I have down in the basement," just to impress the neighbors?

Anyway, I guess he came forward because somebody must have leaked his name to the press. Truth is, I know a guy who knows a guy who knows Dino. He is from Kenosha. And word is Dino is a stand-up guy. I don't think the sample was tampered with, but MLB still has lots of 'splainin' to do.

Of course, it wouldn't be The Week in Review if we didn't cover the Oscars. The Artist was the big winner, but surprisingly, not for sound or writing. I always wished that My Big Fat Greek Wedding had been a silent film. But that's just me.

And, finally, in intergalactic news, NASA admitted this week that it lost some stuff, including a laptop that controls the International Space Station. No one knows who has it, but apparently the empty station is now sending back a continuous signal that says it is "Now Essentially World Tyrant", or NEWT for short.

That's all I have for now. Have a good weekend, kids.

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