Nothing much happens in August. World War I started. Nixon resigned. Yadda. Yadda. The only real news this week came out of Oak Creek and is so sad that it can't be covered by satire.
So let's keep it close to home this time. I know that many of you have been following my award-winning tomato growing season. Some of my plants are up to seven feet tall! I also have an exciting breakthrough to announce on my ongoing battle against tomato-eating chipmunks -- leave some for dead. Not the chipmunks; the tomatoes.
I usually want to get the ruined tomatoes out of my garden and into the compost as fast as possible so as to ease the pain of seeing them there decaying. But this week, I left a couple on the ground and the chipmunks, lazy sons of guns, just ate those and left my vine-ripening tomatoes alone. I will publish a paper on this in Scientific Tomato Grower in the fall.
So, my success could be attributed to my new leave 'em for dead strategy. Or it could be the cat. The other evening, I saw a big cat peering at our shed, under which I believe the chipmunks have built underground condos. I'm not much of a cat guy, but under the circumstances I was happy to see him.
"Hello, Mr. Cat," I said. "Can I get you anything? Tuna sandwich? No, wait. I want you to be hungry. Carry on. Stay as long as you'd like."
Also, this week Dianne and I visited the Wisconsin State Fair and we bought the knives! We watched the demonstration where the guy sawed through timber, then he sawed into an iron bar, and then he cut a ripe tomato so thin you could see through it or serve it to your mother-in-law!
As impressive as that was, we were amazed by the incredibly low price of only $19.95. If you were to order this amazing knife AS SEEN ON TV you'd pay THREE EASY MONTHLY PAYMENTS of $19.95 just for this one knife. But here at the State Fair -- and just until 4 o'clock -- he was offering the magic knife for one-third the price! That's right. Only one payment of $19.95.
But wait, there was more!
He offered to throw in a second knife for free as long as you promised to share it with a friend. That's right. No charge for the second knife if we gave it to a friend -- and purchased it before four o'clock.
But wait. Even that wasn't enough for us?
He also would include the carving knife -- the very same one used by Rachel Ray, except she has her patented orange handle on it!
Still not convinced? How about the filet knife? Yes, clean fish in minutes. The filet knife would also be ours for the same low price of $19.95.
And don't forget the juicer! Make fresh squeezed orange juice in seconds! Only don't make if for your mother-in-law. She'll never leave! Take two and they're included for that same $19.95!
And he'd add one more thing to make the deal even sweeter. The mini-carving knife. Impress your friends with these lovely pinwheel potato garnishes!
Dianne and I looked at each other. And at 3:35 p.m., with only twenty-five minutes to spare before the deal ended, we purchased for the incredibly low price of only $19.95, two super knives, a Rachel Ray knife, a filet knife, a mini-carving knife, and two juicers.
While there, we also enjoyed baked potatoes, a butterfly pork chop sandwich, a rib-eye sandwich, a strawberry sundae, and a cream puff.
Is this a great country or what?!
In celebrity news, aging country music legend Randy Travis was arrested this week for driving both drunk and naked. He apparently sauntered into a store and demanded cigarettes, but with no apparent means of carrying a wallet, was refused service.
Also, his mama run off with his daddy's best friend and the crops are all dust and the bank ain't gonna lend.
That's all I've got for now. Have a good weekend, kids.