Dear Tell All: I often vote Democratic, but I'm all in favor of Paul Ryan as Mitt Romney's running mate. He is so sexy and cute! I can't believe there might be a vice president I'd actually want to do it with. Dick Cheney was gross, and the follicle-challenged Joe Biden isn't exactly my type either.
But Paul Ryan...mmm. Great hair, beautiful eyes, nice smile. Plus, he's a southwestern Wisconsin boy! Meaning I could really have a chance to meet him, with Janesville only a half-hour away. I find Barack Obama attractive, too, but he seems too remote - not just his personality, but in terms of being accessible. I tried to go see him speak on Library Mall a couple years ago and couldn't get within a mile of the place, what with the security and the crowds.
There's only one problem regarding my dream date with Paul Ryan: How to get rid of the wife. I'm sure there'd be times when she stayed in Washington, D.C., while Paul came back to Janesville for official business. I'd volunteer to help with the campaign in, um, any way I could. If Monica Lewinsky can get an internship, so can I.
As I said above: mmm. Romney/Ryan in 2012!
Dear Convert: It's good to know you're focused on the issues - though in your case, it's the issue of good bone structure. Let me guess your dream ticket for 2016. DiCaprio/Bieber?
Dear Tell All: You recently bemoaned the difficulty you have meeting people, given that you're an anonymous newspaper columnist ("In Defense of Neediness," 8/3/2012). I wanted to let you know that I love anonymous hookups. Can we get together?
Dear X: I'd love to get together, but for me the ideal anonymous hookup is via email. So why don't you whisper in my ear at TellAll@isthmus.com? I don't like to brag, but I can guarantee you a good time.