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Tuesday, July 22, 2014 |  Madison, WI: 92.0° F  Mostly Cloudy
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CITIZEN DAVE

Citizen Dave: There's too much crying in the Winter Olympics


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I just can't get into the Winter Olympics. True, they're more exciting than Downton Abbey, but this is a low bar. For one thing, there's far too much crying.

It seems like somebody's always crying about something in Sochi. Crying about winning. Crying about losing. Crying that there's no running water in their hotel room. Crying because their grandmother couldn't make the trip to watch them, even though she had raised them through trauma and adversity when their parents split up because their father raced through the streets of Paris on a motor scooter wearing a goofy helmet to meet up with his actress lover. Oh wait, somehow the president of France got mixed up in all this.

Anyway, crying is allowed in sports when you win the Super Bowl and that's about it. Not when you win the World Series? No. There's no crying at all in baseball. Tom Hanks said so.

Then there's the music. Somebody suggested that if there's music at any other time than half-time, then it's not a sport. I think that's a pretty good rule. If they're playing Tchaikovsky (or any other Russian composer) during a performance, I'm sorry, but that is not a sport. It's a concert.

Another good rule of thumb is that it's not a sport if judges are involved. This especially applies to skiing-type sports. It used to be that Jean-Claude Killy raced down a hill, and if his time was better than anybody else's, then he won. Simple enough. Now people are flying around half-pipes and doing "Yolos" -- and then somehow they get scored on how good the tricks are. How do you score that kind of thing? Isn't it pretty much subjective?

One of the nice things about real sports -- in contrast to real life -- is that it all comes down to a couple of simple objective numbers. You get a higher score than the other guys and you win (unless you're playing golf). Subjective scoring accompanied by music is more like life, and who wants to watch that?

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