Dear Tell All: I grew up in rural Wisconsin but have lived in Madison for over 10 years. At this point, I consider myself a dyed-in-the-wool near-east-sider. I shop at Willy Street Co-op, read Isthmus, have a CSA, recycle, vote for liberal local politicians, etc. I've gone native in all respects except one: hugging.
What is it with Madison and hugs? Whenever people come to my place for dinner, or I go to theirs, everyone has to embrace everyone else at the door. Then we have to embrace again when saying goodbye. I love my friends, but I don't feel comfortable having so much physical contact with them, particularly the guys.
What's wrong with a good old-fashioned handshake? It's the universal symbol of friendliness, and there's nothing awkward about it. Hugs, by contrast, almost never go well for me. I don't know whether to put my arms over or under theirs, and that leads to a weird sort of grappling. A particularly bad hug can really get an evening off to a bad start.
Do you have any advice for opting out of the mandatory Madison hug?
Standoffish
Dear Standoffish: Here are a few things you could try. 1) Make it clear that you are in a no-touch zone during entrances and exits. Avoid eye contact, cross your arms, and stay safely out of range of the hugs. 2) Cut off the hug before it happens. Aggressively approach your friends with right arm outstretched, making it clear that you expect only a handshake. 3) Just say it outright: "I'm not much for hugging." It might make some people uncomfortable, but then again, they've made you uncomfortable by assuming you're okay with intimate contact.
Oh, and there's one other option: Just relax and enjoy the hugging. In this cold, cruel world, is it really so terrible that your Madison friends want to warmly embrace you? Before trying the methods I listed above, why not allow yourself a month where you accept your friends' hugs with an open heart? Heck, you could even try initiating a few yourself. You many never need the no-touch zone again.
Do you have a question about life or love in Madison? Write Tell All, 101 King St., Madison, WI 53703. Or email tellall@isthmus.com.