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Squirrel problems

What are the things that puzzle, enrage, delight and tickle you as you go about your life in Madison?

Re: Squirrel problems

Postby ilikebeans » Thu Nov 11, 2010 2:04 pm

Walter wrote:You SOB!

Timing, as they say, is everything.
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Re: Squirrel problems

Postby kurt_w » Thu Nov 11, 2010 2:56 pm

Beaver wrote:Is there any good solution to the squirrel problem


If you had been paying attention for the past decade, you'd have all kinds of great ideas for solutions.

(1) Declare war on the robins in some other part of town. Some might say this makes no sense, since your condo was actually attacked by squirrels not robins, and they came from the trees in your back yard not from Westmorland Park or whatever. Ignore those naysayers, and focus on cultivating your image as a bold leader who will keep your condo safe.

(2) Make everyone entering your condo remove their shoes, belt, cellphone, nail-clippers, water bottle, laptop, etc. and subject 5% of them to a pat-down or strip search. It may not stop the squirrels, but at least you can say you're doing something about the problem.

(3) If you happen to be running for president of your condo's association, encourage your followers to start a whispering campaign alleging that your opponent was (a) born in an oak tree, (b) raised by squirrels in Indonesia, and (c) a follower of a radical pro-squirrel pastor.

(4) Go into some low-income neighborhood and offer a bounty for anyone who catches a live squirrel and turns it over to you. Lock up the prisoners in solitary confinement, subject them to sleep deprivation and waterboarding, and threaten to kill their family members ... unless they confess to being in league with the squirrels who attacked your condo.

(5) If you have a general idea about what part of town the squirrels are coming from, you could fly over Madison at 50,000 feet and drop lots of explosives on that neighborhood. Collateral damage is unfortunate, of course, but anyone who objects really ought to be blaming the squirrels.

(6) Regardless of what the problem is that you're trying to solve, additional tax breaks for the wealthy are always a good solution.

(7) Keep the real estate bubble growing. As long as prices are soaring, developers will keep building more condos, and you can keep trading up to fancier and more expensive turf. You'll be too busy selling your old condo, buying the next one, and filling out endless mortgage paperwork to notice that every condo you visit is slowly being nibbled to pieces by squirrels.

(8) Build a giant fence along the Illinois border. This won't actually do anything about Madison's squirrel problem, but you can get lots of good press for standing tall against the dirty South-of-the-Border Squirrel Menace. (Consider getting the city council to pass a law requiring rodents to show their papers, or speak English only, when stopped inside city limits.)

(9) Campaign for an amendment to the state's constitution banning same-sex marriage. If anyone questions this, explain that the problem with squirrels invading peoples' condos is just a symptom of the breakdown of the traditional family.

(10) While busily working on items one through nine above, be sure not to actually do anything constructive about the real problem of squirrels in your condo. It is vitally important that you bluster and pose for the media, but make sure that responsibility for actually solving the problem is pushed off on future generations. If a competing faction manages to win the trust of your condo association, make sure you leave them as big a mess as possible, then stymie their efforts to deal with the problem at every turn, and finally accuse them of both (a) failing to solve the squirrel problem that you left them, and (b) trampling on your freedom.

I hope this helps.
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Re: Squirrel problems

Postby rabble » Thu Nov 11, 2010 2:58 pm

I tried several attempts to segway into this image but nothing felt right so I'm just throwing it up because every time somebody says anything about squirrels this image comes to mind and I want to share that affliction with as many people as possible.
Image
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Re: Squirrel problems

Postby rabble » Thu Nov 11, 2010 3:07 pm

Beaver wrote:
Average Joe wrote:Owl decoys might work.

Interesting idea. I will shop around. Are these sold around town?

Funny you should ask. I saw one last weekend at the beltline/Stoughton Rd Menards. It was sitting on top of the piles of birdseed inside the store.

I noticed it because I was watching all the little sparrows flitting around a broken bag of birdseed. I was thinking, now there's some birds who have this whole winter survival thing worked out. Then I saw the fake owl on the pile right next to it.
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Re: Squirrel problems

Postby Michael Patrick » Thu Nov 11, 2010 3:39 pm

We can send men to the Moon and little roving robots to Mars, but we can't keep squirrels out of our condos? American exceptionalism my ass...
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Re: Squirrel problems

Postby kurt_w » Thu Nov 11, 2010 4:10 pm

Michael Patrick wrote:We can send men to the Moon [...]


Eh. We could do that 40 years ago. Today? Probably not.
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Re: Squirrel problems

Postby Michael Patrick » Thu Nov 11, 2010 4:21 pm

kurt_w wrote:
Michael Patrick wrote:We can send men to the Moon [...]


Eh. We could do that 40 years ago. Today? Probably not.


No wonder the terrorists, er, squirrels are winning.
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Re: Squirrel problems

Postby Average Joe » Thu Nov 11, 2010 10:34 pm

rabble wrote:
Beaver wrote:
Average Joe wrote:Owl decoys might work.

Interesting idea. I will shop around. Are these sold around town?

Funny you should ask. I saw one last weekend at the beltline/Stoughton Rd Menards. It was sitting on top of the piles of birdseed inside the store.

I noticed it because I was watching all the little sparrows flitting around a broken bag of birdseed. I was thinking, now there's some birds who have this whole winter survival thing worked out. Then I saw the fake owl on the pile right next to it.


You need to get something that moves and looks bad-ass, like this...

Image

...it'll at least make the little bastards a bit jittery.
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Re: Squirrel problems

Postby Bwis53 » Thu Nov 11, 2010 10:48 pm

Too bad you couldn't electrocute them. Just sayin'...

What about poison?

My old landlord had to go with all aluminum soffit, because bats got in (after the squirrels) and into an apartment (and bit a tenant).


A real owl or hawk?
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Re: Squirrel problems

Postby O.J. » Fri Nov 12, 2010 8:47 am

hawk.jpg
Squirrels want no part of Hawk; that dude was a bad ass.
hawk.jpg (8.43 KiB) Viewed 518 times
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Re: Squirrel problems

Postby cattyrood » Sat Nov 13, 2010 11:39 am

I miss all of you so much! cattyr
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Re: Squirrel problems

Postby Bill Earl » Fri Nov 19, 2010 8:28 pm

Hello Beaver,

I am the Inventor of the Squirrel Evictor Strobe Light. I realize you may be skeptical, but please check out this web site: http://www.evictorproducts.com
We have sold thousands of units world wide and now sell to large pest control companies.
You have my personal guarantee that the Evictor Strobe Light will evict the squirrels in your crawl space.
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Re: Squirrel problems

Postby rabble » Fri Nov 19, 2010 8:45 pm

I have to admit, I'm intrigued by that thing. I'd probably try quite a few other things before I shelled out 189 plus shipping, but if those things didn't work I'd give it a shot.

Then I'd offer to rent it out. :wink:
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Re: Squirrel problems

Postby Michael Patrick » Sat Nov 20, 2010 5:24 am

I remember when you could get a strobe light at a head shop for like $10.
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Re: Squirrel problems

Postby Bill Earl » Sat Nov 20, 2010 7:22 am

Patrick,

We know of no other product in the world as effective at squirrel control, as the Squirrel Evictor Strobe Light. It was specifically designed to solve the very worst squirrel problems. The results are worth the extra expense.
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