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Limericks, anyone?

If it doesn't fit anywhere else, it fits here

Limericks, anyone?

Postby david cohen » Thu Nov 05, 2009 2:41 pm

This place needs some spicing up just in time for the holidaze. I love a good limerick, so feel free to join in. Be they randy or just plain amusing (you can leave out the old Nantucket standard though).I'm guessing JJ will edit those that go too far over the line of taste, but what the hell, maybe not!..one of my faves, which I copped from an early 70s Playboy:

A mortician's young daughter named Maddie
Said to an eager young laddie
If you do as I say
We can have a great lay
For I've buried more stiffs than my daddy
david cohen
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Re: Limericks, anyone?

Postby Ned Flanders » Mon Nov 09, 2009 4:51 pm

Oh dude. From Ned's hall of shame:

There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
"We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And please wipe that stuff off of your chinsky."

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
When deciding how best to be blown.
Ned Flanders
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Re: Limericks, anyone?

Postby Ned Flanders » Mon Nov 09, 2009 5:18 pm

Here's a few I threw together:

Said Obama to dearest Michelle
That you’re proud of your country that’s swell
When Air Force One makes a pass at your runway sized ass
Please lie still while it lands and don't yell!

Ms Pelosi the crazy-eyed Speaker
So botoxed that she looked like a Tweaker
Her health bill made no sense
Left Blue Dems on the fence
But her injections became so much cheaper

A terrorist neighbor named Ayers
Blew up buildings, terrorized without care
But the bombshell oh mama, he was pals with Obama
But the media just wasn't there

All the children love songs to dear leader
Public school teachers think it’s good theater
Reminds them of Kim Ill…
Gives them such a thrill…
That they’re willing to work well past Easter!
Ned Flanders
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Re: Limericks, anyone?

Postby Average Joe » Mon Nov 09, 2009 11:03 pm

There once was a troll named Ned
Everyone knew he was fucked in the head
With each and every post
We knew it the most
Of decency he has not a shred.
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Re: Limericks, anyone?

Postby Thusnelda » Tue Nov 10, 2009 1:41 am

An attention whore, that's our pal Ned
Has no life -- not from morning 'til bed
Though he lives way up nort'
like a ship with no port
he decided to haunt us instead.
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Re: Limericks, anyone?

Postby Ned Flanders » Fri Jul 02, 2010 11:27 am

There once was a man named Algore
Whose muscles were feeling quite sore
Sent for a massuese
But his Chakra let loose
As she screamed and ran out of the door
Ned Flanders
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Re: Limericks, anyone?

Postby Henry Vilas » Fri Jul 02, 2010 12:01 pm

There once was a foron named Ned
Who couldn't tell his ass from his head
He thought he was witty
But it's quite the pity
As he wants to give Clinton some head
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Re: Limericks, anyone?

Postby Ned Flanders » Fri Jul 02, 2010 12:39 pm

Henry Vilas wrote:There once was a foron named Ned
Who couldn't tell his ass from his head
He thought he was witty
But it's quite the pity
As he wants to give Clinton some head


Hank, that's a good attempt. But there's really no theme. Just a bunch of lines pieced together. The last line is a non sequitur.

Also, "Who could not tell his ass from his head" rhymes better.

Kind of the limerick equivalent of a cave man trying to do ballet.

Look at my masterpieces above and work on it a bit more.
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Re: Limericks, anyone?

Postby Ned Flanders » Fri Jul 02, 2010 2:26 pm

To eco-freak Portland Gore fled
To lecture on mother's warm head
But his chakra was throbbing!
He needed a knobbing!
But wound up in the tabloids instead
Ned Flanders
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Re: Limericks, anyone?

Postby Stebben84 » Fri Jul 02, 2010 2:59 pm

Here's one:

Ned's infatuated with Al Gore.

The end.
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Re: Limericks, anyone?

Postby Ned Flanders » Fri Jul 09, 2010 10:07 am

OK, one more:

The mightta been president Gore
Went to Oregon looking to score
He whipped out his choade, his shrivelled up scrode
But the massage lady wasn't a whore
Ned Flanders
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Re: Limericks, anyone?

Postby gozer » Fri Jul 30, 2010 7:04 am

there once was a man with an axe
who had drawings purloined behind his back
when the cops came to stop him
he did not try to pop them
which makes me assume he was at least partially on track


one from may 1994 that people still tell me gets stuck in their head after they read it. it concerns police officers arresting two young folks, at least one from montello, for shooting people with an improvised blow gun on langdon street:

there once was a man from montello
who wanted to prove he's not yellow
he went out one night
and blew screws through a pipe
and now he's a cuffs-wearing fellow.


the following concerns an event which i believe was on the morning of 16. march 1991 and near the middle of the 50 most significant dane county news stories for the calendar year 1991. an individual from minnesota visiting a friend at the u.w. had been doing c-jam all night and well into the binge became convinced that mafia hit men were after him to collect a debt. he ran out into the sub-freezing morning with only blue bikini underwear on. he started running and jumped through a large window on the west side of the nitty gritty, a marginally superhuman feat caused by the nose candy no doubt and facilitated by the fact that witnesses saw the individual running in the direction of the bar at an estimated 35 m.p.h. (64 km/h) (remember they do not allow drug use in the olympics and elsewhere for a reason) he struggled with an employee of the bar before being subdued and sent to hospital.

a visitor to our fair city
had delusions that were not very pretty
since he had no gun
all he could do was run
like a cheetah -- straight into the nitty gritty
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Re: Limericks, anyone?

Postby Prof. Wagstaff » Fri Jul 30, 2010 10:22 am

gozer -- why did you have to bump this stupid old thread?

Virtually every one of these is painfully bad.
Not because of the content and not because of the rhymes, but because they aren't fucking limericks! All you have to do is attempt to read these out loud and it's obvious most of these don't work.

The one in the OP is a limerick.
The three Ned first posted (which he didn't write) are limericks.
The rest are just awful.

A simple primer:
Da-DA-da-da-DA-da-da-DA
Da-DA-da-da-DA-da-da-DA
Da-DA-da-da-DA
Da-DA-da-da-DA
Da-DA-da-da-DA-da-da-DA

(Note that this is oversimplified. The lines need not have exactly the same number of syllables, as long as the flow is maintained, as in the OP where the 1st and 5th lines have 10 syllables but the 2nd has only 8. But you don't have to stop and think about how the meter works, it just flows naturally when you read it.)

And now an example:
These limericks you've written all suck
When reading them tongues will get stuck
On meters which wander
And accents which squander
The natural flow of them, schmuck!
Prof. Wagstaff
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Re: Limericks, anyone?

Postby jman111 » Fri Jul 30, 2010 11:48 am

Prof. Wagstaff wrote:
A simple primer:
Da-DA-da-da-DA-da-da-DA
Da-DA-da-da-DA-da-da-DA
Da-DA-da-da-DA
Da-DA-da-da-DA
Da-DA-da-da-DA-da-da-DA

And now an example:
These limericks you've written all suck
When reading them tongues will get stuck
On meters which wander
And accents which squander
The natural flow of them, schmuck!

not quite:
Da-DA-da-da-DA-da-da-DA
Da-DA-da-da-DA-da-da-DA
Da-DA-da-da-DA-da
Da-DA-da-da-DA-da
Da-DA-da-da-DA-da-da-DA

fixed
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Re: Limericks, anyone?

Postby gozer » Fri Jul 30, 2010 11:56 am

gozer -- why did you have to bump this stupid old thread?


oops....

since the damage is done, i propose including sonnets in this thread. to which i will get when i am not so loaded.
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