I've had this story for over a decade and so I don't recall the source. Posts in this thread on The Daily Page brought back the memory.
The following appeared in a Beloit, WI employee newsletter
NOTES FROM AN INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER NAMED FRANK
(WHO WAS VISITING CITY HALL)
Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity, to be judge at a chili cook-off, because no one wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Beloit Fire-fighters) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
#1: Mikes Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge 1: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge 2: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Frank: Holy smokes, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy!
#2: Debbie's Afterburner Chili
Judge 1: Smokey (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge 2: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Frank: Keep this out of the reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.
#3: Norms Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge 1: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge 2: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
Frank: this has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Bar maid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
#4: Sam's Black Magic Chili
Judge 1: Black been chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge 2: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Frank: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.
#5: Brenda's Legal Lip Remover Chili
Judge 1: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge 2: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Frank: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I' farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contesctant seemes hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges adked me to stop screaming.
#6: Randi's Very Veritarian Variety Chili.
Judge 1: Thin yet bold vegitarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers..
Judge 2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb..
Frank: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.
#7: Karen's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge 1: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge 2: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers af the last mement. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.
Frank: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid out of my mouth at some point. Good! At autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful, and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
#8: Nancy's Mount Saint Chili.
Judge 1: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence..
Judge 2: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself..
Frank: ----- (Editors note: Judge #3 was unable to report).