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Now some Blunt?

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Re: Now some Blunt?

Postby toniziemer » Fri Feb 20, 2009 11:37 am

If Isthmus is too broke to pay Mr. Right, maybe Blunt can work out some kind of barter with them...Compensation is the purest form of flattery.
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Re: Now some Blunt?

Postby blunt » Tue Feb 24, 2009 7:52 pm

Yes, I applied.
But certainly not to replace Mr. Right.
I'm much more a Dr. Obvious.
Or Professor Spacegod.
I wouldn't have handed out trite Hallmark card cliched pap colloquialisms like miracle ash from Sai Baba's sleeves.

Image

No, I would have opened up weekly cans of chewy tough love.
I wouldn't so much offer opinions as give orders.
And I have so much more to offer with dispensation of advice than the average candidate.
Some solutions may be mundane and simple such as, in the case of the juvenile thief, suggesting a larger allowance, or pre-habilitation (preventative pre- to post-natal incarceration until age 12.)
Others may require a more powerful arsenal, the application of the exclusive arrows within my custom quiver of advice:
Thermal cameras, pheromone bait chips, DNA traps, vaticination (omen-reading), samyma (a frozen snapshot awareness of everything in one’s immediate environment) and watching Ancient Wisdom on the History Channel.
I can dislocate my entire body and squirt through a keyhole, provided the keyhole is large enough to accommodate my squirting body and I can tell poisoned water by how my reflection looks.
I also have proprietary personal contacts with space beings
(never abducted but probe curious…)

All this and more is strung across the branches of my psyche like Christmas lights, glowing with unified theoretical insight.
The only thing other advice columnists have got are opinions.
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Re: Now some Blunt?

Postby blunt » Thu Mar 19, 2009 7:47 pm

Isthmus may lack vision and taste but Forons certainly don't.
I can't let Isthmus' direct snubbing of your desires be the last non-word. So here is a sample of the future Isthmus has denied you:

WHO ARE MADISON’S SEXIEST POLITICIANS?
Greetings, sweet spirit.
Things must be pretty bad when you have to write to a communist free weekly shopper for advice. I’m placing a little prayer for you into a manila envelope and sending it to God.

But here the local politicians that are most attentive to my dangling chad:
Mike Verveer puts the verve into Verveer.
Fantasy Date: We would meet upstairs in a dark bar and not smoke pot. And maybe we could even haul out the Mifflin Block Party riot hose just for fun. Mike puts the fun back in fundraising.

Dave Cieslewicz: every time I hear his name I want to spread it on a cracker. Pleasant looking, friendly. His smile is a trampoline for his sparkling eyes to bounce upon. He rides a bike so you know his buttocks will be firm. But he costs an extra 50 cents to ride.

Brenda Konkel: seems to be one of those 7th grade girls that spent all their time on the bus reading and staying inside from recess to cry. All that knowledge and empathy has resulted in a smoldering passion bubbling just under the surface. Her bookish look begs me to rip those glasses off and let down her hair, only so that I may shinny up to her heart.

Young Paul Soglin was the hottest.
But alas, that dreamboat has sailed.

Ah, well.
Politicians’ hair, down, up, or facial, like that of televangelists and country musicians, is simply the crystallized form of their egomaniacal reach for power and fame, the bigger the ego, the higher the hair.
It's probably a good thing they all live in that big white domed building that looks like a gigantic reservoir-tipped condom because they're already screwing us.
Last edited by blunt on Sat Mar 21, 2009 7:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Now some Blunt?

Postby Mean Scenester » Fri Mar 20, 2009 2:13 pm

Light years better than that half-assed "Kiss 'n' Tell" or "Snoop 'n' Scoop" column or whatever they hell they're calling that rote, uninspired tripe.

I can see not hiring Sir Blunt here to write features. His mind may be too tangentially inclined for the free paper equivalent of the peanut gallery. But a gossip column? Missed a bet there, Isthmus. That's precisely the place where your paper could benefit from an injection of lunacy and a less earnest approach.

Here's a hint: The questions posed to advice columnists are seldom very entertaining. At best the pique a voyeuristic curiosity. It's the answers where the real entertainment lies. Provided, that is, you have someone entertaining writing them. Which you don't.
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Re: Now some Blunt?

Postby blunt » Fri Mar 20, 2009 5:21 pm

And (gasp) most fiercely tragic:
NO POORLY NAMED ADVICE COLUMN THIS WEEK!!!
Missed a deadline?
I'm right here if you need me, I-people.
I would never crap out on you.
I'm full of crap.
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Re: Now some Blunt?

Postby blunt » Sat Mar 21, 2009 3:55 pm

LAUGHING DURING ORGASM?
This is the kind of question Meanster speaks of.
Boring.
Attempts at faux puritanical-shock humor fall flaccid.
Is the budget so tight now you’ve hired high school yearbook staff? The accompanying photo seems a bit rushed.
A fully dressed guy laughing?
Too lazy to click past the first page of google results?

I can't even really be bothered to actually write up an alternate version so I'll just list some power points:

1) If my sexual partner starts laughing, my first concern wouldn’t be him or her—I’d wonder what was wrong with me.
Cold out (anything below 79) and I’d explain shrinkage.

2) What is a smile but a primate show of aggression inherited from chimps? And they throw feces in order to strengthen an argument. Today we throw words like, shithead.
Now, in polite society, a laugh is understood as an expression of pleasure. Therefore, it’s quite out of place in the boudoir.
Sex is a solemn ordeal.
Grim up.

3) More details, please.
A laughing boyfriend is a one thing; a boyfriend pointing and laughing is something else entirely.

4) Ask yourself what is so funny?
Is his penis making ridiculous noises or wearing silly hats?
Is his penis taking a fall?

4) Something to ask yourself:
Every time he laughs and comes, do you sob and go?

5) Bring some folding paper to bed to achieve multiple origamis.

6) Finally, what kind of laugh is it?
A gigilo's giggle? A tart's titter?
Some people guffaw; I tend to grin.
Some are sloppy wet kissers.
Me? I’m more of a pecker.

There are lots of things I can’t do during orgasm: eat, drink, sleep, drive,--hell, I can’t do almost everything during orgasm.
I only wish I could laugh during orgasm.
Of course, I also wish I could sneeze with my eyes open and find affordable healthcare.
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Re: Now some Blunt?

Postby bluethedog » Sat Mar 21, 2009 6:08 pm

Great stuff for an alt weekly but not so much for Isthmus.

It's just not safe enough.
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Re: Now some Blunt?

Postby blunt » Sat Mar 21, 2009 7:13 pm

bluethedog wrote:Great stuff for an alt weekly.


Therein lies my aghast disappointment:
that's what Isthmus used to be.
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Re: Now some Blunt?

Postby blunt » Sun Mar 22, 2009 3:08 pm

Here's my version of this week's TEll All:
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Re: Now some Blunt?

Postby blunt » Wed Jun 17, 2009 9:50 am

Bye you guys!
Too bad burns and joyce never took my outstretched hand........
Although only one tiny tentacle within my quiver of labrynthian omntupianism, TDP has been a daily 15 minutes for years.
I wish you all well.
FORONWARD!!!!

http://madison.decider.com/articles/blu ... hit,29267/
(I sound a lot dumber and disjointed when transcribed.)
Last edited by blunt on Sat Jun 20, 2009 11:43 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Now some Blunt?

Postby Stomach » Wed Jun 17, 2009 10:11 am

blunt wrote:Bye you guys!


Don't let the feng shui hit you in the ass on the way out! Or do, if that is what you are into...and I think you are!
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Re: Now some Blunt?

Postby Henry Vilas » Wed Jun 17, 2009 11:59 am

blunt wrote:Bye you guys!

Again?
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Re: Now some Blunt?

Postby blunt » Wed Jun 17, 2009 6:44 pm

Henry Vilas wrote:
blunt wrote:Bye you guys!

Again?


This time it's physical.
Since I can only observe what I see and my perspective is the one I have easiest access to, it will be pretty much going with me when I move to the mighty Pacific Northwest.
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Re: Now some Blunt?

Postby Bwis53 » Wed Jun 17, 2009 8:34 pm

Uh, Oh, my sister-in-law is in Olympia. I guess I better tell her to watch out.
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Re: Now some Blunt?

Postby blunt » Thu Jun 18, 2009 3:49 pm

Image

A stern but gentle correction:

Cattleprod/Headpump will play at 3 pm.
Not 5.


SAT jUNE 20 3PM @ HIGH NOON
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