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Drunk Posts

If it doesn't fit anywhere else, it fits here

Re: Drunk Posts

Postby pjbogart » Sat Feb 09, 2013 1:27 am

Arturo brought up an interesting discussion about appropriate cursing/insults related to gender and sexual preference. I considered responding in the immigration thread, where the discussion spawned, but decided that the drunk thread was probably a more appropriate venue.

My general rule of thumb is that when discussing immigration reform, I only use the terms "cunt" or "bitch" to refer to a man, lest it be construed as misogynistic. Certain words have no legitimate use, such as "faggot" or "nigger". They're off-limits, so much so that it seems odd to type them even just to point out that they're off-limits.

"Cockmunch" is ok, perhaps moreso than "cocksucker" because biting a cock is never a good idea, whereas sucking one is a great idea. I suppose using unusual insults such as "dicknibbler" would be inappropriate if you knew that the target of the insult was a gay man, but if he's simply a douchey twat like Doppel, it's ok.

I've always been torn by "retard", which some people find quite offensive, especially if they have close ties to special needs individuals. But that would also include removal of insults regarding short buses and fucktards, which puts a serious cramp in my stylz. I think if it's good enough for The Dead Milkmen, it's good enough for me.

I lack the creativity of the Schick, but if he ever finds himself intoxicated, this thread would be an excellent location for a lesson on quality insults. I suspect that the secret is originality and lack of repetition, which Doppel the Douche would certainly agree with, but perhaps there are some other considerations that we could learn from.
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Re: Drunk Posts

Postby doppel » Sat Feb 09, 2013 3:36 pm

pjbogart wrote: I lack the creativity of the Schick, but if he ever finds himself intoxicated, this thread would be an excellent location for a lesson on quality insults. I suspect that the secret is originality and lack of repetition, which Doppel the Douche would certainly agree with, but perhaps there are some other considerations that we could learn from.


What's with the "we" shit?
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Re: Drunk Posts

Postby narcoleptish » Sun Feb 10, 2013 10:44 pm

Oh sure, I specifically throw back a couple bloody marys so I can legitimately post in this thread, and you move on to a more pharmacuetically based thread. (wouldn't have spelled it right sober.)

Well I'm in this thread so it'll be a little more narco-centric as well.

Do you find that shaking an unopened bottle of Mr. T's mix doesn't really distribute the settled spices? Pouring a little out, resealing it and shaking again is just two steps 2 much. So the second one is always better.

Oh look, it's 9:11. Always a somber time of day.

Sounds like the rogue cop in California is still on the loose. Also sounds like PJ matches the physical description in the height/weight area at least. Probably just a coincidence.

On the subject of cursing. I appreciate that it's allowed here in that it has its place in effective non-formal conversation. (I'm wearing a t-shirt) My favorites have been dink and douchebag and I try to use them sparingly. Fuck is always effective, but "fuck you" is like playing "Piano Man" on the hotel bar jukebox. I just can't use the word cunt. It's like a verbal one-lane dead-end. Nowhere to go, no way to go back. I kinda like the way shitbag rolls off the lips. maybe more like a 6 foot roll with a 3 foot fall at the end.

I've been using a lot of hyphenation lately. Probably just a phase.

Now it's 9:44. I'm a really slow poster.
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Re: Drunk Posts

Postby pjbogart » Mon Feb 11, 2013 12:15 am

My neighbor went and bought me some beer and smokes. I probably should have used this opportunity to kick the habits, but the buzz is totally worth it and I intend to die young anyway.

So here I am, two Ibuprofen, one Hydrocodone and seven beers. Ordinarily I'd say that seven beers is only worth a buzzed post, but I'm feeling pretty toasty and my leg isn't hurting at all. In fact, I'm not even sure that I have legs. Just a sec, gotta hit the bathroom to drain the weasel.

So I loaded up a PC game that I didn't much like when I bought it, Heroes of Might and Magic V, and I've been having a lot of fun with it. The AI seems more like a griefer, but if you show a little patience you can build up a decent army and make a run at it. If you show too much patience, however, your opponent overwhelms you. It's been fun, considering that I'm stuck in a chair.

I've never been a big fan of bloody mary's. I don't really drink any hard liquor at all, just beer, but I'm a big fan of spicy hot V-8 so I guess if I wanted a bloody mary, I'd just pour a shot of vodka in there and toss it down. Have you ever had a prairie fire? It's a shot of tequila with some Tabasco poured in it (try habenero Tabasco for extra kick) and you chase it with a glass of tomato juice or V-8. Hot shit, but the chaser cools it down.

I'm stuck with overdue fees on this stupid Redbox movie. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow so I guess I'll finally return it after three days. "House at the End of the Street". It was ok, but not worth the late fees. Stars Jennifer Lawrence, who's a decent actress, I enjoyed "The Hunger Games", but I'm not sure what the rage is over her as a sex object. I think the magazine "Men who need to get out more" called her the sexiest woman alive. Meh. I think she's bland, kind of "the girl next door to the girl next door that you actually want to fuck". Everyone's got their thing, I suppose.
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Re: Drunk Posts

Postby Chauncey O'Toole » Thu Feb 14, 2013 5:21 pm

'Aye Jeeves, been a bit tits up for late, I'll be writing my memoir on the bog roll, I'll be losin' the plot if you cant relax before the 'ol Tecoo eh...

Eat fresh? Shoulda went for the bangers and mash.. off we go at Her Majesty's Pleasure... Ta Ta Jeeves old boy... we'll take the tea soon
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Re: Drunk Posts

Postby pjbogart » Sat Feb 16, 2013 12:55 am

I'm calling bullshit on that. That was pretend drunk posting. Being incomprehensible does not necessarily make you seem drunk.

You know what I'm not giving up for Lent? Drunk posting! That's right, mofos! I'm a full 48 hours hydrocodone free with a belly full of beer so it's time for another rambling drunk post.

My brother told me to pick up "Snow White" from my local Redbox, and while he's pretty consistently wrong on movies and music, he was right on this one. The movie was a good time, though if Kristen Stewart is an actress, Arnold Schwarzenegger deserves an Oscar. But despite the fact that looking pretty and occasional grunting seem to be the only things that she's good at, "Snow White" was worth a watch.

A meteor caused havoc in Russia today, which reminds me what a tiny blip we are on the cosmic radar. I've seen a lot of reports on injuries, which mostly include cuts from shattered windows, but I've yet to see the impact crater or the remains of the bus-sized meteor. No doubt there's an alien blob oozing out as you read this. The big one is coming... maybe in a million years, maybe in a thousand. Maybe in ten.

And speaking of apocalyptic mind-fucks, SARS has a new name and it's called The Stand. Government flu... weaponized sickness. It comes from the Middle East, but this isn't the wrath of Islam. The antidote is in your tap water, but you pour shlubs are sucking on Aquafina and destined for Captain Trips. Mother Abigail will save you, and she still bakes her own bread.

Meade was actually right about something this week, which forces me to re-evaluate his colossal stupidity. I know what you're thinking, "even a broken clock is right twice a day," but Meade isn't really a broken clock, he's more like a slow clock, which is never right. I'm not sure what would have caused Meade to be correct about something, but I suspect that ripples in the space-time continuum to be at fault.
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Re: Drunk Posts

Postby Remember_Me » Sun Feb 17, 2013 2:01 am

Bridesmaids is fucking retarded.

Please join me in making my gf undertsand that.

K. turning computer off forthe nite.

That movie is so overrated. And I can find some pretty dumb shit funny when I'm drinking.

K. turning it off now and she's beckoning for my presence in the boudoir .

peace out kids!
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Re: Drunk Posts

Postby Remember_Me » Sun Feb 17, 2013 7:23 pm

*sigh...

Dammit. I said retarded.

Been trying hard to remove that word from my vocabulary.

Anyway, it's still a dumb movie.
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Re: Drunk Posts

Postby pjbogart » Sun Feb 24, 2013 12:37 am

Hey, welcome to the drunk thread, Blues. I'm probably wrong, but I always took the "remember me" moniker as a Blues reference. Regardless, welcome to inebriation... I'm sure there's far more of it out there than this thread reflects, but perhaps some folks are just embarrassed to admit that they're in open war with their liver, as I am. For all of the acetaminophen I've chewed up in the last two weeks, I'd think that bitch would have filed for divorce, but we're still operating in our begrudgingly symbiotic relationship. I can't help but notice the crowd of Chinese Mafia lurking about my neighborhood, waiting for me to keel over so they can stuff my 40 pound liver into their deathly Igloos and save eight lives, each one more valuable than my own.

But enough of my morbid tales of swollen livers, legal narcotics and men with no wrists, we have serious issues to tackle, unclouded by reasonableness and sobriety.

I was listening to Rush Limbaugh on Friday and he had some really interesting theories that I wish to share with those of you who aren't masochists. As it turns out, Liberals, Democrats and Barack Obama in particular hate the way our nation was founded and are trying to destroy it to make amends. It was an interesting little dogwhistle session on the bat-shit-crazy hour of Rush, with repeated insinuations that the founding fathers didn't really intend for all of us to be citizens (read as "the Mexicans and the Blacks"). Fortunately, I'm white, though I'm a "Democrat liberal" (is there any other kind?) so I'm not sure if his screed was intended for my consumption.

Anyway, Rush's tantrum got me to thinking about how we interact, those of us on opposite sides of the political spectrum, and how we communicate but never really seem to agree to disagree. I thought of it in terms of my brother-in-law's conniption over the Second Amendment, and Wittgenstein's theory of language limitations, and it occurred to me that it's all a lot of mental masturbation. The problem isn't that we disagree, it's that I hate Republicans and Republicans hate me.

Now, I know what you're thinking, "Oh, pj's going to stub his toe on Godwin's law and lose this argument by referencing Nazis." And you'd be right, because in my hateful mindset, the only thing I can think of as I watch Republicans suppress votes, scapegoat minorities and drape American flags over guillotines is Nazis. Republicans aren't like Nazis... they are Nazis. If they had the power, there's no telling what these assholes would be willing to do.

But as Rush Limbaugh makes clear, my hatred for Republicans is perfectly matched by their hatred for me, so there's no reason for me to lose sleep over my undiplomatic words. Republicans have no actual opinion on global warming, they simply hate algore, liberals and, er... trees. The problem isn't that they disagree with the science, it's that they hate the scientist. It wouldn't really matter what apocalyptic message he/she has to offer, all consideration ends when Republicans realize that the scientist is educated, ergo liberal, ergo the enemy.

So when a Republican wants to talk to me about gun rights, I think, "Fuck you, Nazi, I have no interest in what you have to say." And when a Democrat wants to talk about the economic benefits of raising the minimum wage, Republicans react similarly.

So really, we aren't actually disagreeing, we simply hate each other so much that we never really consider each other's positions.
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Re: Drunk Posts

Postby Mad Howler » Sun Feb 24, 2013 1:56 am

I cannot remember anymore, but I think I made a comitment to stay out of this thread. So if I made that promise it is broken.
Peej, this popped into my head as I read your missive...

"what is the sound of one hand clapping?"

In my mind there seems to be many fools who are unable to attend to a meaningful observation. Too bad, as I suspect we would be better for the discourse.
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Re: Drunk Posts

Postby Remember_Me » Sun Feb 24, 2013 2:50 pm

pjbogart wrote:Hey, welcome to the drunk thread, Blues. I'm probably wrong, but I always took the "remember me" moniker as a Blues reference.


You must be drunk.
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Re: Drunk Posts

Postby pjbogart » Mon Feb 25, 2013 2:46 am

My Republican attorney friend from Texas, Sandy, got a big kick out of my email describing my current condition. I thought I'd share it with those of you who still find my intoxication humorous and not pathetically sad.

God Hates Me:

And the devil is doing his best to show him up. So you know how sometimes water will drip off an eave and form a smooth mound of ice that if you step on it you're bound to break your leg? Of course you don't, because you live in fucking Texas where the only mounds to be stepped in are made of sand or cowshit. But here in Antarctica, where I've set up shop, we have ice. It's awesome if you keep it in a glass filled with liquor, but it sucks more than a Vegas hooker when it's covering the sidewalk.

Yeah, I broke my leg. Just a little fracture, but I screamed like a little bitch to make sure I got some good drugs. Fractured my fibula and sprained my ankle (not to mention the damage I did to a perfectly innocent sidewalk when my fat ass came crashing down like a 270 lb sack of, uh... fat asses). So the doc gives me this big fracture boot and tells me to stay off my leg for at least a week. I can do that. I'll just pay my rent in Vicodin tablets... fill 'er up, asshole.

So three days into my "vacation" I'm all loaded up on Vicodin and eating some prescription McDonald's french fries when it feels like some fucker stabbed me in the jaw with a bayonet. Abscessed tooth, need a root canal and a crown... would you like a prescription for Vicodin? Hell yeah I would. Fill 'er up, asshole.

It's my birthday on Monday and my sister (the one who isn't an evil cunt) rolls into town and invites me out to get drunk with her and her friends. Sign me up. Oh, a schoolteacher from her district has a band and they're playing at a bowling alley in Madison's worst ghetto. Shit, on second thought, my leg is hurting really bad and the doctor told me to only get stupid drunk at home while watching pigtail porn. Sorry, but those were his instructions. Fuck, a root canal would be like the world's greatest blowjob compared to listening to some middle-aged hack cranking out Joan Jett and Rick Springfield covers. No, I DON'T wish that I had Jessie's girl, because Jessie's girl looks like she dunked her head in a vat of Aquanet. Oh, ok. We'll call you in the morning and drop off a few birthday presents I bought you. Sweet. Wait, what? You're staying overnight? You rented a $100 hotel room to watch a crappy cover band play terrible music in a decrepit bowling alley? Ok, I'll take the presents.

Love, Paul
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Re: Drunk Posts

Postby pjbogart » Tue Mar 19, 2013 11:30 pm

I never made it to "The Hobbit" while it was in theaters, and after watching it, I'm not sure that I missed much with the 3D and IMAX. That's not to say I didn't enjoy it, I thought it was great. But it's really more like fan fiction than a stand alone work. If you aren't into stuff like this, it was probably terrible. I thought it was great, but it was even better with cold beer and the last of my corned beef and cabbage from Sunday's St. Patrick's day feast. Too bad I didn't have a Guinness to wash it down.

And that got me to thinking about experiences in my life that were truly epic that I know I can never relive. I'd like to say that losing my virginity was one of those, but it was pretty anti-climactic, to tell the truth. Ironic, too, given that what made it so anti-climactic was how quickly the climax arrived.

But back on the topic of fan fiction, one of those epic moments in my life was when I saw the first "Lord of the Rings" movies. Going back and watching it now seems pretty ho-hum. It's a wonderful movie, but I can't recover that rapt attention I had when I saw it for the first time. And for all the CGI eyecandy that's been produced since, nothing seems to compare to that first time I sat and watched Gandolf stare down the Balrog.

Another epic experience for me was when I was young and stupid(er) and jumped off a 70 foot cliff in Lohrville, Wisconsin. It was called "Thunder" and something tells me it was less than 70 feet, but looking over the edge, it seemed more like 200. You can't really describe the feeling of building up the courage to step off a cliff like that... the water seems so far away and something tugging in your brain tells you that you're doing something you shouldn't, but somehow you work up the courage to do it anyway. Perhaps courage is a misnomer, because really, the longer you think about it, the less likely you are to actually jump. But jump I did, and it was more like flying. No parachute, just a tiny body floating through a big world of open space. I can never relive that, I can only remember it.

The last epic moment that came to me as I was thinking about it was my first few days wandering around the world of Skyrim. To replay it now is boring. I know what to do and how to build my character properly, but when I first loaded the game it was all fresh and new. Danger lurked around every corner. As I scanned the horizon I hoped the giants in the distance didn't notice my presence. I wandered from place to place, discovering caves and settlements, not really sure where I was going or what I was supposed to be doing. In a way, Skyrim ruined gaming for me. I haven't really played anything since and I'm not sure that I'll ever recapture that sensation.

And thus is our lives. We live and we die. We are a collection of memories and experiences, some of them real like jumping off a cliff and some of them imaginary like attacking a dragon. But in some strange way, watching "The Hobbit" is no less an experience than surfing in Hawaii. My memory of skiing in Vale is no more tangible than my memory of the battle for Minas Tirith. My ex-fiance Jennifer had an adorable, stuttering sigh that was no more real than Lara Croft's bizarre proportions.

All of those memories will die with me. The real and the imaginary. They say that bacon is bad for you, but the enjoyment of eating a BLT is perhaps worth a heart attack, because if all I did was chew on kale, perhaps I'd deprive myself of some great experiences.

And let's face it, the last ten years of your life are going to be for shit anyway.

Nazi.
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Re: Drunk Posts

Postby Ducatista » Tue Mar 19, 2013 11:43 pm

pjbogart wrote:Nazi.

I'd post that closing line in Best of TDPF, except that it doesn't really work out of context, and that thread's been overrun by douches, anyway.
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Re: Drunk Posts

Postby pjbogart » Sat Mar 30, 2013 10:54 pm

Meh... I'm not really very drunk. Just a few beers and I have to get up early to drive home for Easter, so this will have to do. Tonight's drunk topic is Easter, duh.

When I was younger and even more bombastic than my current self, I thought that people who believed in God were simply stupid. Why would anyone believe in something for which they had absolutely no proof? If I told you about my rock-hard faith in unicorns, mermaids or the spaghetti monster, you'd think I was cracked, but somehow we tolerate the irrationality of religion, and sometimes I think even the doubters gravitate toward the faithful because they get a sense of comfort from the belief that Christians are moral people. But some of us know better.

There's something rather admirable about folks who cling to an a priori notion of morality, even if you reject such a notion yourself. Absent a higher being threatening us with eternal hellfire, morality is something of a quaint idea. Why shouldn't I steal, murder and covet my neighbor's wife? I've got a limited amount of time to enjoy this earth, and living life to its fullest means breaking some rules, right? Of course, from a utilitarianistic perspective, morality is something of a societal adhesive, a way of binding us together in a way that produces the least amount of conflict. But for those who would rather pray to a statue, go for it! If it keeps you from consuming your neighbor's cat, I'm all for it.

But wait a minute... if the only reason that you resist the urge to rape your neighbor's daughter is that you fear eternal hellfire, are you really a moral person? If you require threats of damnation from supernatural beings to simply be nothing more than a decent person, aren't you really just a scumbag with a clever disguise?

And to add to your misery, you don't even follow the church's teachings except when it fits your demented agenda. And the church doesn't really put much effort into following Jesus' teachings anyway, so you're a solid two generations from even pretending that you aren't a greed-consumed, covetous murderer.
Let's face it, you're an asshole, and no amount of praying is going to miraculously transform you into a moral person.

I guess I'd feel a bit more respectful towards our Christian adherents if they could successfully count to three, but if Jesus was crucified sometime on Good Friday and allowed to suffer on the cross for hours, his resurrection three days later would have been on Monday, not Sunday morning. I understand that Christians don't much like science, but the simple math that you learned in first grade doesn't seem to have a lot of wiggle room.

And let's face it, the kind of dopes who like to quote Jesus to you apparently haven't actually read The Bible, because I don't recall Jesus hating fags, the poor, the sick or pacifists. Ned Flanders is no more a Christian than... wait for it... ADOLPH HITLER! Seriously, how could a person be so consumed by greed, xenophobia and a passion for violence and still claim to be some sort of admirer of a man who probably would have been leading Occupy rallies if he were alive today?

A pacifist, a stinky hippy, a man who believed that taking care of the poor and infirm was a moral virtue. You'd be in a much better position to criticize atheism if YOU believed in Jesus, but apparently he made a better statue than a teacher.
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