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Saturday, August 30, 2014 |  Madison, WI: 72.0° F  Light Rain
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Body blows
Carson Kressley offers strange self-help in How to Look Good Naked
Layla follows Kressley's orders.
Layla follows Kressley's orders.

Carson Kressley offers strange self-help in How to Look Good Naked

Carson Kressley is on a mission to make women feel better about their bodies. In How to Look Good Naked (Friday, 8 p.m., Lifetime), the funny one from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy gives himself five days to turn a specimen from self-loathing to self-loving.

The pilot begins with mirrors and tears, as shy, fleshy Layla identifies her least favorite body parts. Then Kressley springs into action. He makes Layla laugh and gains her trust. "You can still be beautiful without being perfect," he reassures her.

Kressley gives Layla flattering outfits that fit perfectly. He styles her hair and boosts her confidence. When she finally announces, "I'm pretty cute," you start thinking that Kressley is more effective than a professional therapist. You're ready to grant him a psychologist's license on the spot.

But the episode's conclusion takes a turn for the weird. By this point, Layla would do anything Kressley tells her to - and he tells her to take off her clothes for a nude photo shoot. She's skeptical, but finally submits to his orders. The next thing she knows, he's blown her nude photo up to King Kong proportions and affixed it to the side of a building in downtown Santa Monica. He force-marches Layla through the streets to ask people how they like the photo.

Kressley's psychologist's license is hereby revoked.

1 vs 100
Friday, 7 pm (NBC)

The game show's second season kicks off with a high-concept showdown. One woman will compete against 100 men, and one man will compete against 100 women. The stated goal is to determine "who's the smarter sex."

Hillary Clinton is reportedly following the proceedings with intense interest.

American Gladiators
Sunday, 8 pm (NBC)

The old American Gladiators, which ran in the 1980s and '90s, offered viewers the chance to watch normal people battle the show's in-house behemoths in various tests of strength: the joust, the tug-of-war, etc. The gladiators had names like Nitro, Blaze, Titan and Thunder, and they were pumped up beyond normal human proportions. The battles were reminiscent of David vs. Goliath, and David usually ended up on the ground, flat as a pancake.

A new version of American Gladiators, hosted by Hulk Hogan and Laila Ali, promises even bigger thrills and - ominously - bigger "impact." Is it possible to get even flatter than a pancake?

Ocean Force: Huntington Beach, O.C.
Monday, 7 pm (TruTV)

Court TV has renamed itself TruTV, promising thrilling real-life stories. As you can tell by the title, this new series wants badly to be exciting, but the concept is seriously flawed. Ocean Force: Huntington Beach, O.C. tries to make us think that Orange County - yes, the Republican suburb of L.A. - is loaded with "action-soaked thrills and high-stakes heroics," as the press release puts it. The cameras follow the lifeguards who patrol Huntington Beach, giving us an up-close look at their job. Most of the time, it must be admitted, not much is shaking. Occasionally the lifeguards swim out to grab a kid who's fallen off a surfboard, but more often they're scolding preteens who try to sneak a drink under the pier.

To compensate, the producers add overheated narration: "In the wild current at Huntington Beach, situations go from harmless to deadly in the blink of an eye!!!" But not even the excitable narrator can convince us that a dispute between two dog owners is worth getting worked up about. He builds the scene to a fever pitch, only to watch the dog owners simply go their separate ways. "No citations were issued," the narrator concedes glumly.

Stay tuned for next week's spine-tingling episode, when a 4-year-old's ice cream falls off the cone!!!

Critics' Choice Awards
Monday, 8 pm (VH1)

People's Choice Awards
Tuesday, 8 pm (CBS)

In the Critics' Choice Awards, critics - those hard-working, low-paid public servants who selflessly dedicate themselves to truth and beauty - pick the best movies of the year.

The day after the critics offer their sage judgment, the People's Choice Awards butts in to make a mockery of it. People's Choice voting is done by The People, and the nominations are packed with movies that critics hated: Wild Hogs, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End, Becoming Jane, etc.

Why do you People always have to go and spoil everything?

The Daily Show
Monday, 10 pm (Comedy Central)

The Colbert Report
Monday, 10:30 pm (Comedy Central)

The writers' strike continues, but Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert return to the air with their indispensable political satire.

Would it be considered crossing a picket line if I said "Yay"?

The Celebrity Apprentice
Thursday, 8 pm (NBC)

Running on empty, The Apprentice returns with a celebrity version. Donald Trump cooks up business challenges for a bizarre collection of third-tier personalities, including long-ago gymnast Nadia Comaneci, bad actor Stephen Baldwin, Taxi actress Marilu Henner, country singer Trace Adkins, Kiss' Gene Simmons, Sopranos second banana Vincent Pastore, and former heavyweight boxing champ Lennox Lewis.

I can't wait to see what the menacing Lewis says when Trump tells him "You're fired." "You're dead"?

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