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Saturday, October 25, 2014 |  Madison, WI: 55.0° F  Overcast
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Tell All: Lip service
My girlfriend won't do the thing I want most

Dear Tell All: My girlfriend has never given me a blowjob. She likes foreplay and does things with her hands that drive me crazy, but I would give anything to feel her lips around me. She seems to love it when I give her oral sex. What can I do to get her to return the favor?

Orally Fixated

Dear Fixated: Have you tried simply asking her? People treat sex like some disgustingly sinful topic that should only be brought up in the confessional...where it's appreciated. Yet it's one of the healthiest and most enjoyable things you can share with your partner. So why all the secrecy? You talk to your girlfriend about work, your cell-phone contract and American Idol. Trust me: Sex is way more interesting. There's nothing more exciting than having your partner tell you her wildest fantasies and then fulfilling them. The only thing better might be having your partner fulfill yours. Well, how is she going to know what you like unless you talk about it?

Without more information, it's hard to say why your girlfriend hasn't nibbled your nubbin. She might just be shy or a little self-conscious. Or maybe she's worried about cleanliness - nothing a steamy shower together can't cure. Of course, there's also the possibility that she simply doesn't like giving blowjobs and would rather clean the bathroom than go down on you. But you'll never know unless you ask. Hopefully once she finds out how important this is to you, she'll throw her inhibitions aside and give you the tongue bath of your life.

Dear Tell All: I opened a fortune cookie the other day and there was nothing in it. There was no fortune at all. What does that mean?


Dear Unfortunate: Well, it could mean one of three things. First, your fortune cookie was made in China, which we all know has been having some serious quality-control issues lately. I hope you didn't eat the cookie. Second, a sadistic employee at the fortune cookie factory is screwing with your head. Or third, you're going to suffer a horrible and untimely death in the very near future - so near, in fact, that you essentially have no future.

Have a nice day!

Do you have a question about life or love in Madison? Write Tell All, 101 King St., Madison, WI 53703. Or email

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