Connect with Isthmus:         Newsletters 

Thursday, March 5, 2015 |  Madison, WI: 4.0° F  Fair
The Paper
Share on Google+
Tell All: Downward trend
My boyfriend points in the wrong direction
on (1) Comment

Dear Tell All: I started dating this guy a few months ago that I really like. He's fun, nice and makes me laugh all the time. There's just this one, tiny problem: When he gets an erection, it points down. I don't mean just a little, or even horizontally. It pretty much hangs straight down. Everything still works, a less enthusiastic angle. Is this normal?

Wondering Why the Flag Is at Half-Mast

Dear Wondering: In cases like this where I don't have, you know, personal experience, I consult with the experts. So I decided to do a little research on the web, which is when I innocently clicked on a Wikipedia link...and promptly forgot what your question was even about.

There on the page, staring back at me in wide-screen, one-eyed wonder, was a penis - and not a particularly attractive one. This could be your grandfather's penis. Now, I'm not naive. I know there's porn all over the Internet. When I go to a site like Grannies & Trannies, I expect to see, well, grannies and trannies and their wrinkled naughty bits. But when I go to a site like Wikipedia, I don't expect to have a penis leap off the page and slap me in the face.

That was just the beginning. There were pictures of flaccid penises, erect penises, pickled animal penises, a stallion penis (and I mean, this guy was a stallion), and a six-picture series illustrating the various stages of erection, complete with retracting foreskin. I had the irresistible urge to print them all out and make an animated flipbook. There's even a photo of the erect penis of a bean weevil, which - I'm not making this up - is completely covered in spikes. Clearly God has gone on vacation, because the world that he created has run amok.

Amid this celebration of stiffness, I found a table with your answer. It turns out that only about two-thirds of men have the classic, upstanding erection. The remaining third point outward or downward. And about 5%, like your Droopy, point to Australia. Who knew?

Have fun with that. And please don't make me look at that web page again.

Do you have a question about life or love in Madison? Write Tell All, 101 King St., Madison, WI 53703. Or email

Share on Google+
Show 1 Comments

Log in or register to comment

Select a Movie
Select a Theater

Promotions Contact us Privacy Policy Jobs Newsletters RSS
Collapse Photo Bar