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Wednesday, December 17, 2014 |  Madison, WI: 24.0° F  Overcast
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Tell All: Scream queen
My girlfriend can't turn down the volume
on (1) Comment

Dear Tell All: I've been dating this woman for about two months, long enough to call her my girlfriend. We have a lot in common, she's really cute, and the sex is phenomenal. But that's part of the problem. When we're making love, she's incredibly loud.

It starts out as this tiny "mmm." Then it slowly builds into a rhythmic wailing. I've never heard anything like it. It's almost like she's in a trance. It makes Meg Ryan - in the cafe scene from When Harry Met Sally - seem like she had laryngitis.

We were at a cabin with some friends a few weeks ago when my girlfriend and I started making out. As things got hotter and hotter, she got louder and louder until I finally had to stop, because I was worried that my friends would hear her.

When she actually has an orgasm, it's deafening. It can also be very exciting, but I worry about the neighbors. What are they going to think?

Losing My Hearing

Dear Loser: Let me make sure I've got this straight. You're telling me that your girlfriend enjoys sex so much that she ends up yodeling in delight...and this is a problem?

It helps to keep things in perspective. About 10% to 15% of women never have an orgasm...ever. And the majority of women can't reach an orgasm from intercourse alone; they need some form of additional stimulation. So you should consider yourself lucky. If you've discovered a screamer, you've found an exceptional woman.

Unfortunately, all of my ideas for solving your volume problem end up sounding like jokes. Like, if your girlfriend sounds as if she's cheering at a Badgers game during sex, then have sex at a Badgers game, where no one will notice. Or do it in one of those soundproof practice rooms at the School of Music. If anyone hears you, they'll just assume you're learning to play bagpipes.

Your best option is to tell your girlfriend about your concerns. She's probably not even aware of how loud she can be. Then again, she may not be able to control it. I'd hate for her to suppress her enthusiasm, and you certainly don't want to discourage her enjoyment of sex. So you may just have to buy yourself a good pair of earplugs and tune out the madness.

Do you have a question about life or love in Madison? Write Tell All, 101 King St., Madison, WI 53703. Or email

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