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Tuesday, September 23, 2014 |  Madison, WI: 71.0° F  A Few Clouds
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The greatest music ever!
Porsches on the Autobahn popped a wheelie at the King Club on Saturday. And a woody, too.
Porsches on the Autobah tore through Madison over the first weekend in January.
Credit:Emily Denaro

My eardrums still throb from the techno dance pop ecstasy imbued by Porsches on the Autobahn at the King Club on Saturday, Jan. 6. My soul rejoices that such a troupe would travel from the far corners of Germany to our little town of Madison to allow us to share in their magnificence. Naysayers may attempt to fool you, but it is certain that Porsches on the Autobahn are as German as Borat is Kazakh! In the opinion of this "gral," their show truly was a splendid thing.

I once ranked saxophone as my favorite musical instrument, but after the 37th time hearing the same pounding synth beat, it became clear that samplers and synthesizers are the greatest musical instruments ever devised. These men really rank among some of the greatest musicians of our time, like Kraftwerk, Vanilla Ice, Uli Kunkel, and Blowfly. Furthermore, it was a pleasure to finally hear a pulsating rhythm backing rhymes by guys who weren't just about T&A.

When lead vocalist Otto Jayayyemmri sang, "I want to stick a dick in her pupil!" it was obvious his loins longed not for her body, but for her brains -- and that's a beautiful thing. And the lyrical poetry didn't stop there: rhyming parts of the female anatomy with Ford Taurus? That's some serious linguistic skill!

Their passion was not bounded by language, either. Many artists depict their emotions through contorted faces and sweating brows, but Hans Bruntz took emotive stagecraft to a new level, sliding along the floor with a camera and light, stopping for particularly elongated moments by girls wearing skirts. The long stares and pauses fully signified his zeal for well-made women's garments.

Porsches on the Autobahn made sure to caress the eyes as much as the ears. Their dances included some of the most provocative and gorgeous moves ever witnessed! The pointed elbows! The leaps! The karate chop raver pops! Not even Austin Powers or William Hung could audition their way into this group.

To foster an even greater bond with the crowd, the group tossed out their big white balls for everyone to touch and play with during the last few songs. Everyone wanted to get their hands on them and most did -- they were quite large and really got around!

As Maude says in The Big Lebowski, "The whole idea is that the hostage can't be able to identify you after you let them go." That is how it felt tonight, as if my senses were being held hostage by the enigmatic Porsches on the Autobahn -- entrancing my entire being! It's a shame that their haute couture square-rimmed sunglasses, light-up belt buckles, gold chains, and satin ties, hid their true identities.

I await their Corey Hart style in my dreams... autobahn, autobahn, auto-auto-autobahn....

Seriously -- what is in the water in Chicago? Hollus. Steepwater Band. Now The Peelers. Must every Chicagoan band play every show like it's their last? Must they make the crowd go wild? Must they look like they've been doing it for years? Must they also look like they love doing it? Gosh...

I didn't know The Peelers would be playing after the insanity of Porsches on the Autobahn, and I was not planning on staying -- but I was compelled to, even after someone spilled an entire drink all over my jeans. To answer your question: yes, they were that good.

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