I was in Canada last week on spring break. Good-looking young people with well-toned abs go south where they have the excuse to take off their clothes. I am 53 years old. I wanted to go someplace where I needed a sweater.
This is the fourth time I've been to Canada in three years. They keep inviting me back to give speeches on how to make Canada more like Madison -- for bicycle riding, not for eight-hour city council meetings.
In fact, I've been there so much that this time they made me an honorary Canadian. And I can feel it taking. I'm starting to spell centre with the r and the e reversed. I'm throwing in u's randomly here and there as in "neighbourhood" and, in fact, "honourary."
I'm pronouncing about as "aboot." I've taken an interest in hockey, and I now know what icing is. I'm starting to enjoy committee work.
And, now out of office for a complete year, I can reveal a municipal secret. Had Sarah Palin won the vice presidency in 2008 we had developed secret contingency plans to move the entire city of Madison to Ontario. This is less difficult than you think at first blush. After all, in the late '60s, much of the city of Madison did move to Ontario.
But enough with the Canadians. We've been gone for two weeks, so there's a lot to get up to speed on. Of course, the main thing to catch up on is the guy who won a trillion dollars in the big mega, mega lottery. I'm not a regular lottery player, but Dianne buys one ticket a week as part of our retirement savings plan. We haven't won yet, but what's frightening is that millions of Americans have no family financial plan at all.
In any event, the odds were that you had a fifty times better chance of being hit by lightning than winning that lottery. So, the guy who won is really lucky. I mean anybody who can get hit by lightning 49 times and still be alive to win the lottery has amazing luck!
In political news, Mitt Romney has gone almost two weeks now without saying anything awkward, weird, or stupid. Is this guy a natural politician or what?
And baseball is back! Now, I haven't kept up with the off-season deals and stuff, but has anybody else noticed that the guy playing first base for the Brewers doesn't look anything like Prince Fielder? I mean is Prince just not feeling well with the vegetarian diet and all and that's why he looks so pale? What's going on?
Finally, this weekend is the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic. Over 1,500 people died, which is, of course, tragic, except for the fact that they didn't have to live to hear Celine Dion sing "My Heart Will Go On." Dying slowly of exposure in 28 F water is a tough way to go. It's worse than having to listen to "My Heart Will Go On" a million times, as we all had to some years ago thanks to James Cameron. Well… I guess it's worse.
That's all I've got for now. Have a good weekend, kids.