Sometimes in the satire business you just luck out. All you need to do is quote from an actual news story and laughs roll out. You don't need to make up a thing. Such is the wonderful case with this week's report that Woolrich has announced a new line of "Elite Concealed Carry" wear.
For guys who want to pack heat but look like Mr. Rogers at the same time, Woolrich offers a nice pair of chinos with pockets built for a .45, and more pockets that come in handy for extra clips, knives, and even handcuffs. So, basically, you can be a walking commando unit and nobody has to be the wiser.
To quote from our story:
"When someone walks down the street in a button-down and khakis, the bad guy gets a glimmer of fear, wondering: are they packing or not?" said Allen Forkner, a spokesman for Woolrich.
Again, this is an actual quote from an actual news story. I did not make it up. But I've been wearing khakis and button-downs my whole life, and have never inspired a "glimmer of fear," or notice of any kind, for that matter. So, even though I don't carry a gun, I'm excited to know that I'll be inspiring terror just walking around as me.
And here's another quote from that real news story:
Shawn Thompson, 35, who works at an auto dealership in eastern Kentucky, bought two shirts last month from the Woolrich Elite Concealed Carry line. Both, he wrote on his blog, are a step up from more rugged gear.
"Most of the clothes I used in the past to hide my sidearm looked pretty sloppy and had my girlfriend complaining about my looks," he wrote, adding in an interview, "I'm not James Bond or nothing, but these look pretty nice."
Hey, Shawn, don't sell yourself short, buddy. With those fancy shirts you are the James Bond of eastern Kentucky. Order your Mountain Dew shaken, not stirred, pal.
And it's not just Woolrich that's getting into the "covert fashion" act. More true to its name than ever, Under Armour is joining in with a new line as well. Again, to quote from the story verbatim:
Mr. Eskridge said the Under Armour apparel was catching on because of fashion but also because of its features, including moisture-wicking fabric.
"Others are making shirts with gun access but using regular cotton," he said. With his company's fabrics, "there's no stink factor," he said. And if gun owners do not use fabrics that wick away moisture, "You'll literally rust out," he added.
Under Armour. You won't stink. You won't rust out.
But finally there are always the intractable traditionalists like Howard Walter, 61, of Bellvue, Washington:
Howard said he preferred to carry his Colt -- and a couple of knives and two extra magazines -- in a durable pair of work pants.
"They don't shout 'gun,' they shout 'average guy in the street,'" said Mr. Walter, who years ago worked in sales at Nordstrom. But really, he said, the most important thing in picking clothing is to choose something that works for the weapon. "They should dress for the gun," he said he advised his customers. "Not for the fashion."
Dress for the gun. Words to live by, Howard, words to live by.
In political news this week, everyone is riveted by the revelations in the John Edwards trial. His closest aide testified that he claimed paternity of Edwards' love child and even had the child's mother, Edward's mistress, live with he and his wife and their three small children to keep her out of the public spotlight.
He quoted Edwards as saying, "I love you guys. Nobody's ever done anything like this for me before."
Seriously, John? Geez, when I was mayor my aides were constantly claiming responsibility for my illegitimate kids and housing my mistresses all over town. I always thought that's just in the job description. I mean, what do they get paid for anyway?
On the sports pages, it's official: the Milwaukee Bucks will miss the playoffs for the 40th year in a row. This makes them the only team in professional sports that has actually gone longer without making the playoffs than the team has been in existence.
Speaking of obscure statistics, it was reported this week that Milwaukee Brewers' pitcher Zach Greinke is now only the sixth pitcher in major league history to win 13 games in a row at home. It was also reported that somebody who works for the stats office in Major League Baseball has way too much time on his hands.
That's all I've got for now, kids. Have a good weekend.