The big news of the week of arguments before the U.S. Supreme Court over the new health care system dubbed "Obamacare" by its opponents. We know that this term is a slam because anytime you put a person's name together with the word "care," it means that they are communists, perhaps socialists, or maybe even Unitarians.
Obama cares enough to take away your God-given, red-blooded American right to get sick and bankrupt your family all while receiving substandard treatment because you were denied insurance coverage due to pre-existing conditions.
Protesters outside the court held signs reading things like "Obamacare is UnAmerican!" Damn straight! Forty-five million Americans without health insurance. Now, that's what this country is all about!
One man who doesn't need to worry about health care -- or need public housing -- is New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg. He said this week that he doesn't think any future mayors should live in the official mayor's residence, Gracie Mansion. Of course, for Bloomberg, the mansion would have been slumming it compared to his townhouse on the Upper East Side.
Hearing of Bloomberg's plan, Vinnie Brutanelli of Queens responded, "Hey, Bloomberg, you know what it costs the average guy to live in this town? How am I gonna ever be mayor if I can't live in Gracie Mansion? Ha, ha, ha, ha. (Gesturing to his pelvis.) Yeah, live right here, Bloomberg! Ha, ha, ha."
The real excitement coming up on Tuesday is the Wisconsin primary, in which Rick Santorum has demonstrated that he's a pretty good bowler. But Mitt Romney connected with Wisconsin voters by reminding them that the thinks he owns several bowling alleys; his accountants will let us know exactly how many sometime in June. This is why Mitt is a man of the people.
Finally in the world of sports, the Milwaukee Bucks have gone on a winning streak and may not be eliminated from the NBA playoffs after all. This destroys the credibility of the entire NBA season, which has been about eliminating the Bucks from the playoffs while everyone else makes it, while the playoffs go on into July when nobody cares anymore (as if they did to begin with). What's this crazy world coming to?
And I know you want to know how I'm doing in the exciting NCAA hockey playoffs! Well, I'm winning again this year. The only way I can lose a bottle of Scotch is if Union loses in the next round and Boston College goes all the way. I know! You're thinking, "This is really exciting! The NCAA has hockey playoffs??!!"
That's all I've got for now. Have a good weekend, kids.