Dear Tell All: A close friend announced that she's getting married to a man she's been dating for about six months. This guy is crass, snobby and just plain repellent. Prior to this relationship she was with somebody I really liked. They had their problems, and he was pressuring her hard to get married. But he was at least kind and fun to be around, a good person. She eventually broke it off because she just wasn't sure he was the One.
And now she's engaged to this jerkface! I am certain that she only agreed to marry him because the nice guy wore her down and she finally decided she didn't want to wait forever to get married. Am I supposed to act happy for them, or should I say something? I don't want to upset her or hurt our friendship. Yet I feel like a bad friend for not asking her if she really wants to be with this guy forever. What's a good friend to do?
Waffling
Dear Waffling: Wedding whistleblowing is generally not as well received in life as it is in the movies, where it usually nets one a long-unrequited and attractive mate, as well as the cheers of the parishioners and the winking approbation of the jilted party's wiser parent.
The questions you must ask yourself are these: Is saying something likely to have any effect, and are you comfortable risking your friendship on the chance that it might save your friend from making a horrible mistake? Even if you are correct in saying that something's amiss, your friend may not realize it for a long time - maybe never - and that might mean the end of your friendship indefinitely.
All that said, if you truly believe it's a mistake, I think you should say something. An engagement is much easier to get into than to get out of, and there are countless people who have harbored doubts but felt unable to back out of a wedding. If you can kick that door open a crack, it'll be much easier for your friend to walk through it, if that's what she wants. If not, don't let it hit you on the butt on the way out.
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