Now in its second season, "The Girls Next Door" (Sunday, 8 p.m., E!) is a descent into infantilism. The camera captures life at Hugh Hefner's Playboy Mansion, focusing on three porn chicks from Hefner's harem. Bridget, Kendra and Holly are all blond, all busty and all bird-brained. They're proud of their roles as pampered fantasy objects, on call 24 hours a day to satisfy an 80-year-old man's pubescent desires.
One of his desires, apparently, is that his girlfriends have adult-rated bodies capped by 12-year-old minds. The three beauties giggle, twirl strands of their hair, and speak like sixth-grade valley girls.
On seeing a stuffed animal: "Oh, so cuuuuute!"
On seeing a spider: "Ewwwwww, gross!"
On seeing anything else: "Like, ohmygawd!"
And did I mention that they call their octogenarian sugar daddy "Baby Puffin"?
At the end of this week's episode, you'll run, screaming, back to the world of grownups. But not without first exclaiming, "Ewwwwww, gross!"
Science of Shark Sex
Friday, 8 pm (Discovery Channel)
Science, shmience. They simply flash their teeth at one another, do their business, then relax by munching on a surfer.
Sunday, 6 pm (BBC America)
This wonderful BBC series sets Shakespeare's plays in our own world, with new scripts that loosely follow the Bard's template. In Much Ado About Nothing, the witty rivals Beatrice and Benedick are recast as TV co-anchors. Once romantically involved, they can no longer stand the sight of each other. They trade insults until their intense hatred finally resolves itself into love.
The lively production suggests that, were Shakespeare alive today, he'd be the world's greatest sitcom writer. I bet he could have even saved "Joey."
Three Moons Over Milford
Sunday, 7 pm (ABC Family)
In this witty new series, the world is ending. Or maybe not. A cosmic explosion has split the moon into three pieces, and no one's sure if a chunk will fall to earth and destroy life as we know it. In a picturesque town called Milford, the locals (Elizabeth McGovern, Nora Dunn, Rob Boltin) aren't taking any chances: They live each day as if it were their last. They quit their jobs, indulge their vices and steal anything they want.
If I were faced with the same situation, I would take off all my clothes, smear myself with green Jell-o and run through the streets shouting "'Desperate Housewives'" is overrated!" And I would immediately stop writing the TV column. In fact, I wouldn't even take the time to finish this
Celebrity Fit Club
Sunday, 8 pm (VH1)
In the season premiere, Carnie Wilson (Wilson-Phillips), Vinnie Pastore ("The Sopranos"), Nick Tuturro ("NYPD Blue"), Erika Eleniak ("Baywatch"), Tina Yothers ("Family Ties") and Ted Lange ("The Love Boat") go through grueling fitness training in an attempt to shed those excess pounds. It's the same as when you or I try to lose weight, except with an entire nation laughing at you.
Sunday, 10:45 pm (Cartoon Network)
Two decades after This Is Spinal Tap, the world is ready for another heavy-metal parody. This animated series follows the doomy adventures of Dethklok, fronted by stringy-haired Nathan Explosion. They're the world's most popular band, thanks to their throaty Satanic vocals and splay-legged guitar heroics. Fans love Dethklok so much that they sign "pain waivers," releasing the band from liability for the awful things that happen during concerts. "My eyes got torn out and fed to me at a show," one fan cheerfully tells a TV reporter. "Dethklok rules!"
The world sees Dethklok as the devil's minions, but offstage they're more like the devil's morons. Their publicity stunts tend to go awry, as when they accidentally pulled the moon out its orbit. Then there was the band's brief collaboration with the London Philharmonic, inadvertently resulting in the slaughter of the entire orchestra.
"Metalocalypse" airs in Cartoon Network's Adult Swim timeslot, emphasis on "Adult." The show piles on the sex, violence and grotesquerie, so don't tune in without signing a pain waiver.
Monday, 7 pm (Fox)
It might be a little hard to understand this nature special if you missed "Swarms 1." So let me catch you up: Fire ants slither in a big pile. Locusts slither in a big pile. Cockroaches slither in a big pile.
There - you're now fully prepared for "Swarms 2."